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Why is there nothing new in the world?

May 9, 2012

Greetings. I’m Dougal Falkirk, born in Ballachulich, Scotland, a cracking fine village in the middle of god damn nowhere, and the universe loves me. At least it loves me as much as it loves any man, which is to say, it doesn’t ever think about me too much at all. Some fine people rich enough to buy a lot of whiskey have asked me to share my heaving huge body of knowledge about how the universe works, and to do it in this blog, so here we go then. Ask me questions, and I’ll answer the sons of bitches, and the mysteries of the universe will unfold right fucking there in front of us, if we’re paying attention and not thinking about sex, or a cheeseburger, or some damned thing like that.

Why is there nothing new in the world?

None of us could deal with it. Hell, we wet our damn pants if it rains and the weatherman told us the sun was going to shine today. What do you think we’d do if we woke up and there was a totally new kind of food that you had to absorb through your armpit and crap out of your ear? We wouldn’t like that too much, would we? A $500 dinner at Cordon Bleu would suddenly look as good as eating a chili cheese burrito dipped in gear grease on a filthy table at Taco Bell. What about if the universe reinvented sex so it’s as much fun as a tax audit with Charles Manson? We say we want new stuff, but we’re really terrified of shit we’ve never seen before. Didn’t you learn anything from New Coke?

The world. Full to the brim with not a single damn new thing.

If you have a question you want me to answer later on, then you’re a cheery mince pie of a person, my friend, and I’d buy you a present if I wasn’t as mean as a shark with the clap. But if you leave your question in the comments, I will answer it. I thank you, and may angels sing you to your rest.

  1. Patrick permalink

    Dougal, why are Scots so cheap?

  2. Alex Jones permalink

    Why could the Romans and the English never totally beat the Scottish in war?

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