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Where does rain come from?

May 15, 2012

Rain is the result of the universe anticipating your destruction. I know people talk about evaporation and condensation and angels weeping and all that bullshit. And you can see clouds up there when it rains, so you know that has something to do with it. Clouds are just the universe’s tool, like big damned sponges that hide geese from pilots. The universe flings rain down on us for no good reason at all. Sometimes rain waters crops so we can eat, and fills lakes so we can drink, and makes our lawn green so the fucking homeowners association stops sending us pissy letters. Sometimes it drowns a bunch of people while washing away orphanages and whorehouses. The universe does it for no god damn reason other than it’s fun to see us race around in circles and crash into shit. Seriously, for the universe it’s better than a cockroach race. So buy flood insurance and a canoe or something.

Rainbows are the universe’s way of saying, “Sorry I washed away your city. But hey, now you can water ski where the elementary school used to be!”

If you have a question you want me to answer later on, then you’re a cheery mince pie of a person, my friend, and I’d buy you a present if I wasn’t as mean as a shark with the clap. But if you leave your question in the comments, I will answer it. I thank you, and may angels sing you to your rest.

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From → Humor, Life, Philosophy

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