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Why are bad things always happening to me?

May 16, 2012

Bad things are always happening to you because you’re always breathing. Let me rephrase that. Bad things are always happening to every human because they’re always breathing, you dumbass. The same bad things don’t happen to every person on the same day. So when you get fired and the guy next to you doesn’t, you feel like all the bad shit dropped on you. When he gets his face caught in an elevator door the next day, you don’t see it because you’re at the Apple Store buying an iPad with your severance check. You just think all the bad stuff happens to you because you’re a damned whiner. Really, count up the number of times in the last month you’ve posted something on Facebook about how horrible your day is or how mean people are to you, and how you hope the universe turns it around. Is it more than zero? You’re a whiner. Is it more than three? You’re a big fucking whiner. So cut it out. Stop whining, fix the shit you can fix, and help somebody else fix their shit while you’re at it.

Do you think it couldn’t be worse? Maybe just over the hill the same thing is happening with elephants.

If you have a question you want me to answer later on, then you’re a cheery mince pie of a person, my friend, and I’d buy you a present if I wasn’t as mean as a shark with the clap. But if you leave your question in the comments, I will answer it. I thank you, and may angels sing you to your rest.

  1. Steven Reneau permalink

    What made Wonder Bread a wonder?

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