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Aren’t all songwriters just plaigarizing Chuck Berry?

May 21, 2012

Full Question: If there are just 12 “tones” in music, why haven’t we reached the point where music starts repeating tunes? Other than plagiarism?

We haven’t because some smart bastards who could count said so thousands of years ago. I know it seems like we must have run out of ways to put songs together, and I swear K.C. and the Sunshine Band wrote the same fucking song over and over. You’d think every possible song has been written by either Mozart or Chuck Berry. But through the miracle of third grade math we can demonstrate that we’re full of shit. Here’s how it goes: say every song is as simple as “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” Forget that laddies like Wagner wrote songs that last 11 hours and can kill a damned rugby team on PCP. Say all songs are that simple, and you can write one using just your twelve “tones” in any order that makes you feel like you’ve spent three hours in a Bangkok whorehouse. Some of those songs would sound like a yak trying to shit a pair of boots, but to hell with it, this is math, so take your god damn beating. How many possible songs do you get? Try 6 Vigintillion songs. That’s a real fucking number, and it’s a 6 in front of 45 zeros, which are enough zeros to make Pythagoras gag. Most of us can’t balance our damned checkbooks, so we can’t begin to comprehend that number. So ask yourself this, if each of those songs was a millimeter long, would they reach all the way around the Earth? To the sun and back? How about to the closest star? Fuck that. They’d reach across the 46 billion light years of the observable universe. And they’d do it 14 quadrillion times. Hell, I can’t imagine that shit either, so try this. Say each of those universes was a grain of sand. Would they cover a football field? You’re god damn right they would—4 miles deep. All that to choose from, and Ringo Starr couldn’t write Octopus’s Garden without ripping off Yellow Submarine? Fucking Englishmen.

Chuck Berry has only written enough songs to reach across two and a half universes.

If you have a question you want me to answer later on, then you’re a cheery mince pie of a person, my friend, and I’d buy you a present if I wasn’t as mean as a shark with the clap. But if you leave your question in the comments, I will answer it. I thank you, and may angels sing you to your rest.

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From → Humor, Life, Thoughts

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