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What’s wrong with kids today?

May 23, 2012

Not a god damn thing. But there’s a hell of a lot wrong with adults like you and me. First of all, let’s get the “that’s not real music/sparkly vampires are stupid/what’s up with that damned Frankenhole?” crap out of the way. None of us is going to like what our kids like, so just take a pilates class and lower your blood pressure before the top of your skull shoots off like a fucking champagne cork. We think kids are unmotivated, ungrateful, lazy, and ignorant, right? Well, yes the little fuckers are all that, but that shit didn’t just happen to them spontaneously, like pubic hair sprouting, did it? They didn’t wake up one day and decide to eat Count Chocula for breakfast and then turn into a lazy ingrate. You and I led them down this path by giving them every electronic doo dad except an iMasturbtor, and teaching them they’ll do fine in life as long as they don’t think, keep their locker tidy, and check the right boxes on their tests. The good news is that kids today have massive frontal lobes, and whenever they figure out that being an unmotivated, walking lobotomy gets in the way of eating and buying shit off iTunes, they’ll get past it in a cracking hurry without any help from us. So we might start thinking about dropping all this damned indignation before we get old and our kids decide that nobody over 60 deserves a house with running water, or surgery when his heart starts tearing itself apart like a fucking blender with a fork in it.

Adults have book clubs and fantasy football. Kids have this. I know which one looks like more fun to me.

If you have a question you want me to answer later on, then you’re a cheery mince pie of a person, my friend, and I’d buy you a present if I wasn’t as mean as a shark with the clap. But if you leave your question in the comments, I will answer it. I thank you, and may angels sing you to your rest.

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From → Humor, Life, Thoughts

4 Comments
  1. What if you’re an adult who acts like a child? Then you’re like a hybrid combining the best of both worlds right? Is that like a super hero?

    • That sounds brilliant. I could be lazy and whine a lot, and then give myself an iMasturbator, and then be okay in the end. Although if you’re on quests of vengeance like you are, then all bets are off–you can do whatever the fuck you want.

  2. Steven Reneau permalink

    Yeah, kids today have it great. I can’t help but think how much money I could have saved if I’d owned an iMasturbator.

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