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What’s the secret of a happy marriage?

June 11, 2012

Doing shit that doesn’t need to be done, and telling your spouse to kiss your ass. Nobody gets credit for doing stuff that needs to be done. It’s the minimum. Buying an anniversary card gets you zero points, but if you don’t buy one then you’re fucked. It’s like when you to go out to dinner and the restaurant rapes you over a $70 steak that tastes like a basketball sneaker, you’re expected to dress up, right? You don’t get extra credit just for putting on your damned trousers, but you certainly get an eternity of shit if you forget them. The secret is doing crap for your spouse that you don’t have to do, especially if you hate it like scorpions nailed to your god damn eyes. Do you know she wants a scratchy throw pillow the color of a wino’s vomit? Get her one, even if you have to pound an orphan right in the crotch in a gutter in Mumbai. You say you don’t know what she wants? Pay attention, fucker! You’re around her all the time, for god’s sake. On the other side, don’t just fold up and let your spouse tell you what to do all the time. She might be a nice, charming lassie and refrain from pushing you around with one finger like a grocery cart full of tissue paper and tampons. But that’s not the same as telling her to kiss your ass when you need to. And expect the same from her. Your spouse can treat you like gold and still be a titanium son of a bitch who demands respect, all at the same time, and that goes for you too. It’s better than being a cheap, thoughtless asshole and a spineless turd, right?

Do you promise to love, honor, and kick my ass when I’m an ovebearing jerk?

Send me a question in a comment, and I’ll add it to the queue. It’s more fun than a bucket of puppies.

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From → Answers, Humor, Life

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