Why do I only get crumbs in potato chip bags?

Full question: If they put so much air in my potato chip bag to keep them from breaking, why do I get a bag full of crumbs?

You’re missing the point because you’re not a screwed up, grasping, jackal who makes potato chips. They don’t care if you get crumbs. They don’t care if you get a billion god damn potato chip fragments in a bag the size of your pancreas. In fact, the sons of bitches hire old sumo wrestlers with blown out knees to stomp the chips until they break the molecular bonds of the genetically inferior Ukranian potatoes and the black market goat lard. Then they bag up the damned things and sell them to blind school children and nuns. They know that normally a few potato chips will shatter no matter what you do, so why let poor, hungry people expect anything better—just smash the fuck out of every one of them. Then they slam the bags full of air to make you think there might be actual chips in the next one you buy, because you can’t really feel anything in that bag that’s inflated as tight as a plastic porpoise at the beach. But you’re disappointed every time, because the bags are like piñatas full of powdered sugar instead of candy, so unless you want to make brownies dusted with potato powder, you’re pretty much fucked.

Potato chips in Thailand. They come in exotic flavors like “Snortable Eel” and “Kelp You Can Absorb Through Your Pores.”

A reader sent me this question, so you can see that I do answer them. Please send me one in a comment. I’d enjoy it more than a Christmas puppy that shits diamonds.