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How do you make your dog stop barking?

June 23, 2012

Quit playing video games. More properly, you should get off the fucking sofa instead of slouching there like a squid playing Wii with one hand, drinking Mountain Dew with the other, and holding a sack of Fritos in your crotch. All that time your dog is racing around the back yard barking like a rabid jackal and chewing your rose bushes down to the ground, so bored that he’d drown himself if the pool didn’t smell like blimp crashed into a Clorox factory. Look out the window. There’s a dog out there, so go outside and fucking play with him! And I don’t mean for just three minutes before you go back inside and watch some damn TV show where a slope-browed bachelor treats a bunch of women like shit and they just take it. If you just have to watch that crap, bring your dog in with you and rot the shit out of his brain at the same time. Then whenever the dog barks, you look away from those tits on the TV for five seconds, hold his muzzle closed, and say, “Shh.” Do that every time he barks for a couple of days. Then he’ll stop barking because he’s smart and he loves you, instead of shitting in your bed because you’re a dick.

Bark! Bark bark bark! (Dude, get up and walk around. That couch looks like it’s sucking your ass off.)


From → Answers, Humor, Life

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