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Why Can’t We Have Universal Peace?

July 15, 2012

Because we don’t like people eating our damned berries. A long time ago you only survived because of some berry bushes and a few anemic rats you could stab with a sharp stick. If some ass-dragging strangers traipsed in from the grassland and started eating your berries, you’d starve to death pretty quick, along with your kids, and your friends, and your granny, who you wouldn’t miss much because she was as vicious as an iron boot to the crotch, but what the hell, she’s still family. You’d throw rocks and dirt and scorpions at the berry thieves, and maybe attack them with your half-tame killer wolves if you had any, because if you just watched your berries get stolen you’d starve while the berry snatchers laughed and threw turds at you. So people who fought for their berries survived and built pyramids and invented books about the best ways to fuck up people who want to steal their berries. It’s all about “us” surviving by keeping “them” from murdering us through berry-deprivation. We’ve built it into ourselves, and now instead of berries we have Fritos, and 5 hour energy drinks, and electricity to run kitchen mixers the size of raccoons. It’s the same damned thing, and it’s not changing as long as some son of a bitch shows up to eat your berries. Oh, I know that some future society may fix all this shit, and get rid of money, and have steaks that pop out of the damned walls like in Star Trek. Maybe that’ll happen hundreds of years from now, and we’ll all share and hug each other, and nobody will fight. If that’s so, then why does Star Trek have a Neutral Zone? If you’ve built a perfect god damn society, then why do you need a fucking Neutral Zone? Because the Romulans want to eat your berries, that’s why! I don’t think anybody can brag about universal peace as long as they’re just waiting to blow off somebody’s face with a photon torpedo.

The genesis of so much death and injustice.

If you’d like me to answer a question, just pop it into a comment. A suggestion or two about good anniversary presents would be nice, too.


  1. *THIS* is the funniest thing ever. Congratulations; you win the internets 😉

  2. Della Bean permalink

    Excellent info, I’ll go hide my berries!!! But can you explain the “sports” of Parkour and Planking to me?

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