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Why do we think vampires are cool?

September 18, 2012

It’s because of the coats. If a vampire didn’t wear a tuxedo, or a swinging black leather duster, or some frilly velvet jacket to show how sensitive he is before he shreds your god damned jugular, we wouldn’t give a shit about him. I don’t care if he turns into a bat, or flying mist, or a demon giraffe with overwhelming testicles, without the coat he might as well be the laddie that sells that shitty ice cream of the future at the mall. He’d flash his horrifying fangs at you, and all you’d say was, “No thanks, not today,” while you looked away to pretend he didn’t exist and kept looking for your fuck-all expensive jeans made in Sichuan province. And you may think that women vampires are cool because of their dresses or pants suits or some crap like that, but you’d be wrong—it’s all about the coat for them too! They may wear some blood-red slinky frock with an acre of cleavage and lace and straps made of leather from extinct animals, and we may think they’re sexy as hell. But are they cool? Hell no! Now, slap a black Victorian tailcoat on that bitch and people will ask for her autograph while she sucks their soul out through their carotid god damned artery. We let people in amazing clothes do damned near anything to us. That explains a hell of a fucking lot, doesn’t it?

See what I mean? Cool.

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From → Answers, Humor, Philosophy

One Comment
  1. Steven Reneau permalink

    Another of life’s great mysteries resolved by my favorite pantless Scot.

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