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How can I professionally tell someone they can’t be part of every decision?

October 8, 2012

Full Question: I need a professional way of telling someone, “Sack up, you whiney bitch. Sometimes decisions are made without you.”

When you’re forced to acknowledge ass-dangling balls of filth like this, just say, “I recognize that you disagree with this decision, so to be fair, let’s revisit it. Would you like some coffee that costs seven dollars?” When he says yes, because who the hell wouldn’t take free seven dollar coffee, push it across the table and accidentally spill it on his crotch. Then say, “Oh hell, I’m sorry. But I guess that does show that you didn’t like that coffee after all, despite your previous opinion, all due to the law of gravity. In fact, it shows that the universe does not give a single, infinitesimal, rose-colored fuck about your opinion on any subject whatsoever. It’ll let scalding fluids fall on your happy parts no matter what you think. If the universe doesn’t give a shit about what you think, why the hell would we listen to your mewling opinions about every damned decision that affects you? So shut up about it, do what you’re told, and try not to have an epileptic fit while you’re doing it. And change your fucking trousers.” That should take care of your problem, and if you don’t want to say “fuck” quite so much you can substitute “dang” or “gee willickers Bob.”

The universe busy not giving a shit what any of us thinks.

Photo by The High Fin Sperm Whale, via Wikimedia Commons.

This file is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic.

 

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From → Humor, Life, Philosophy

2 Comments
  1. Steve Reneau permalink

    When I was in the Marines, this is exactly how the ass-dangling balls of shit were addressed. God, sometimes I really miss the Corps…

    PS you could never have too many fucks in a sentence.

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