Why are shoes like crack for women?

Some people will tell you that not all women like shoes, but they’re full of shit. Every woman I’ve ever known would hit a puppy with a sledgehammer for a pair of stiletto heels that made her look like Catwoman—and I mean Julie Newmar, the real Catwoman, and not one of these other half-assed catwomen that Hollywood has shoved down our damned throats like a chunk of rancid sausage. Women like shoes because a sexy shoe is a sexy shoe, and they don’t call them fuck-me pumps for no reason. And it’s not that they want to get groped by every dumb son of a bitch with a big belt buckle and a tiny dick. It’s that looking like liquid sex with flames on top is its own reward. The universe can take its spoiled milk, and bird shit on the windshield, and grunting boyfriends who’d rather talk about cars and baseball than spend 10 more minutes in the sack tickling the old kitten, and the universe can go fuck itself as long as she’s got a red patent leather boot strapped half-way up her thigh.

Julie Newmar on Broadway. Not exactly Catwoman, but look at those shoes.

If you have a question you want me to answer later on, then you’re a cheery mince pie of a person, my friend, and I’d buy you a present if I wasn’t as mean as a shark with the clap. But if you leave your question in the comments, I will answer it. I thank you, and may angels sing you to your rest.